Wednesday, September 7, 2011
I find myself still awake from a long day of painting the living room. Tension is simi high in my house tonight for some reason. Maybe it's all this anger and frustration I have towards everything it seems. Today I blogged earlier 2 people I knew gave birth today but instead of feeling joy for them I spent all day mad and angry with myself and everyone around me. I dont understand how in your mind you feel and think its the right timing but in reality its not. My body wont let me get pregnant easy. I guess I have crappy female parts. I always thank my mother for that! She doesnt get the humor. I had a miscarriage in 2009 after dating my fiance for about 4 months. I was the first girl he ever got pregnant. Well, I had no idea that I was. And I was throwing up all the time morning, noon, night. Upon all this time, I was meeting his mom for the first couple times. We'd all go out to eat and I'd leave the table to go puke! She thought I had bulimia. But nope I was pregnant. Well I took a test finally and it said Yes! I was excited but I didnt know how my other half would take it. So I told him. He was a little shocked and quiet for about an hour. He wouldn't even talk to me! I guess after 4 months of dating you dont really know yet if you want to have kids yet! But he came around. But 6 weeks later I was laying in the bed and I got this awful just gut wrenching pain. Something I have never ever felt before. I was in tears. I laid across the bed to relieve pressure I did everything it seemed. Felt like an eternity. My fiance then boyfriend came home from work and saw me and asked what was I doing? what was wrong? I told him I didnt know. I tried to explain the pain and when I thought the pain was stopping here would come the next round. Well I didnt know what do to. Never been pregnant didnt know what I was experiencing. We went to the hospital where they told me what was going on. I was devastated. And mad and scared. Well since that day its been a hell of a time to get pregnant. Thanks to my crappy parts! And since then he's been a little off. But it's just another peg of the journey I suppose.
Posted by Nikki at 8:50 PM